My ED has been in existance, living with me day in and day out, since I was 12. But it was the age of 8 that I began comparing myself to other girls, when I first experienced low self-esteem, and when I began looking at food as my enemy. Yes, 8... I was in 3rd grade. I am 29 now, so this all began 21 years ago. (To be honest, it even began as early as age 3 or 4.)
Restriction began in Jr High, and I asked my mom for diet advice - in which she taught me about calories and carbs - and it went from there.
Not once in high schoool did I ever have lunch. Breakfast was always something 100-calorie, and dinner was never more than 300 calories. This is also when I began sneaking to the store, getting diet pills, and hiding them. I would even steal them from my older sisters. (I can safely say I've been on pretty much every diet pill there is out there in the pill-industry... and still experimenting - it's my addiction, I guess.)
Starvation, although it began in high school... but, long periods at a time began in college when I was 18. As did the (illegal?) purchasing of prescription diet pills online - in which I fell in love with one specific set of pills - until my body grew immune to them... I was so upset that I thought my world was crashing down on me.
High-number calories scare me. When a binge come along Not even a binge - I don't ever binge, that scares me - but, just eating junk, I hate myself for days (forever), rather than picking myself back up and dusting myself off. No, the hatred is always there. It is a never-ending cycle. So I must live with this, but if I must, then I will CONTROL it.
I no longer purge because I eat... I eat so that I can purge. Purging has become my way to relieve stress, anger, sadness, frustrations, etc. It is how I empty myself of every negative emotion. I purge multiple times a day - minimum, twice a day.
Control feels sooo good. It's so addictive :) I need to re-gain Control, because I've definitely lost it :'(
As of April 2010, I've been purging. As of June 2010, it's been multiple times daily. :(
The journey of finding my lovely bones.
I truly believe the size of my body defines by worth.
My body has held me back from everything... happiness, fun, LIFE.
I will forever think I am fat and not good enough for anybody, myself, or happiness. But I am trying, I swear I'm trying.
Losing weight from bulimia has left my body extremely ugly and flawed. Sadly, I will never be tight/toned, no matter how hard I work at it.
I am an awesome person, and I am ready to allow myself to express the real me, whole-heartedly.
I'm obsessed with seeing the scale's number go down, the clothes getting looser, and the bones becoming more visible each day.
I love spring and summer - that is, when I allow my skin to feel the breeze and the sunbeams. But I am now SO cold-natured, more so than I ever was before... that I wear long sleeves and jeans in the TX summer heat, otherwise I get unbearably COLD.
I get chest pains, loss of breath, dizziness, shin splints, and achy bones due to bulimia. That's enough to wake a person up and seek help, right?! You'd think so, but no :-/
"She is the restless river running through my veins, she rides without the reins. She lives in the heart of every woman in the world, within the reach of every girl who wants to meet her. Go with her, flow with her. Dream with her, scream with her. Let her take over, or just get to know her. Be everything you can be. If you can find her and free her, ANA will unchain your heart. When someone tries to take away the freedom of your choice, to take away your voice, that’s when you need her. She’s there if you dare to give your broken wings a try, c’mon and take a leap and fly, and you can be her."
"If we gotta start somewhere, why not here. If we gotta start sometime, why not now. If we gotta start somewhere, I say here. If we gotta start sometime, I say now."
"This is not some contest. Just do your best."
"I don't wanna wear that, it only makes me look fat. Time to tone my thighs, gotta lose another size, yeah. What a way to wanna be."
"Did you believe it'd never change? But nothin ever stays the same."
"I know it's hard holdin' on, but even harder tryin to let it go."
"Every step I take, I get a little less afraid. Believe me when I say it gets better every day, once you get used to the pain."
"What you hide inside I see, there's a scar and there's always gonna be."
"There's a past in everyone, you can't undo, you can't outrun."
"When the sun is hard to find, when it's rainin' in your eyes, when the shadows block those pretty little blue skies living inside you, When the fallin' of your tears makes a candle disappear, when you just can't see the light, Baby I'll find a way to shine."